The Problem With "If-Thens"

By Stephanie Robleto, Intern, Heart for Winter Haven

“If I get a new job, then I will be happy.”

“If only I had a new car, then I would be fulfilled.”

“If I am able to move to a new location, then I will be successful.”

A lot of us have unknowingly fallen into this way of thinking - where we become dependent on an “if” for our happiness. As soon as we achieve a short-term goal, we become disillusioned that we will be happy long-term. 

After the initial buzz of accomplishing that “if”, the goal post moves again. And again. And again. Everyone’s guilty of it, which makes you wonder why it happens so often.

The “if-then” trap is a direct result of visualizing happiness as a goal or destination. 

The hard truth is that no single materialistic thing or situation will grant us the moment where we say, “This is it. I have gained lifelong happiness.” 

The reality is that happiness, or internal peace, is a lifelong journey that happens through introspection. It is the dedication and discipline that one has to be able to sit and unweave the years of internalized hardship, while also having grace for oneself in the process. 

Many of us don’t want to face the things we have worked so hard to avoid. After all, why should we if it’s going to make us miserable in the process? Especially as it can be a difficult and emotionally taxing process.

The thing is, everything else we choose to focus on deprives us of the happiness we crave. It’s like putting a Band-Aid on a cracked mirror and expecting it to solve the problem. They are temporary solutions to the deeper issues within us.

Introspection is not the fastest, nor easiest way, to heal our wounds. It can be deeply uncomfortable as it’s an inner mirror into who we are and unpacks all that we have tried to repress, such as grief, trauma, remorse, or fear.

By nature, we are meant to be introspective. We are meant to ask ourselves the difficult questions and learn what makes them difficult for us. Many of us operate in a default setting, where maybe we feel hopeless about a situation, and instead of choosing differently, we fall back into the same patterns. 

Career or job changes, for instance, are something that many of us have experienced. The desire for something new and different, but choosing not to do it. And if we do decide to do it, we place our worth in finding a job that will grant us that feeling of fulfillment, but then it ultimately ends up being the same situation as the job before.

“What am I searching for that I cannot find within myself?”

Sometimes, fear paralyzes us into staying the same. But life has a way of forcing us to face our fears and confront hidden parts of ourselves. 

It is through the unexpected moments, and sometimes our lowest points, that we experience the greatest change. Change that can be so great that it will let us feel more happiness throughout our lives and give us the courage to live more authentically. 

Through this authenticity, we become closer to God. 

Joshua 1:9 – “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”